Wait

I slept in the sleeping bag, on the floor in N and A's flat
I slipped down before they woke, unable to sleep
Waiting for the envelope
That dropped through the letter box
-I can work-

I returned to the room several times before lunch
Checked the post room again
Waiting for the brown envelopes
That were delivered by the warden
-I can progress-

I watched the phone in clinic
Desperate for it to ring
I had even visited the multi faith room
Pinned a prayer on the notice board
-She had crossed-

And now I am waiting again
Watching the phone for three days
Willing it to ring
Desperately waiting

Worse than all previous waits

I have to convey

-It has not arrived-
-You have not been selected-

I am alert to the phone's sudden jolt
Hidden caller ID
She is eleven, previously well, bleeding and pale, there are no blasts, but nothing else either

They always present to me
These sickening reminders
The worst results you will ever receive
Are the one you were not waiting for